If I treated guys like dirt, would guys want to date me?

Published on September 5, 2004 By CariElf In Dating

I am getting sick of being the "safe" female. I am a nice, non-threatening, geeky girl who will never ask a guy trick questions like "Does this make me look fat?". I don't play mind games. I would be just as happy to stay home and play video games with a guy as go out to dinner and a movie. I am as capable of making dirty jokes as I am of not being offended by them. So guys get along great with me. But there have been few guys who actually wanted to date me rather than just being a good friend.

I have seen my single guy friends go out with girls who make them miserable. Girls who try to come between the guys and their friends. Girls who expect the guys to take them out to dinner and a movie and pay for everything. Girls who expect to be the sole interest of their guys. Girls who make me want to strangle them not just because they're making my friends miserable but because they're giving all women a bad reputation. Yet guys are drawn to these girls like moths to a flame.

My theory is that when guys do meet someone like me, they immediately stop thinking of her as being female and start thinking of her as being a friend. That way, they won't be attracted to her, and they won't risk losing her. So they keep going through these relationships that aren't filling their emotional needs, because there's this hole that they're not quite filling in their lives. The problem with trying to fix holes is that if you don't do it right, you usually end up making them bigger.

I will admit that women probably do this too. I'm just sick on being on the receiving end of it. The bad thing about being "one of the guys" is that every now and then, I feel less feminine. But on the other hand, I don't want to be mean, and I like being a geek.

Comments (Page 1)

Muggaz

on Sep 06, 2004

At least you know girls are to blame for all relationship problems!!!

hehe... just joking... it's a pain in the ass isn't it...

I can't really help you, I can't explain this wierd phenomenon! I do wish you well in all you endeavours though!!! If you do like some guy, I advise you just bite the bullet and let him know... I imagine a lot of the guys you kick it with are very shy, and need a little coaxing with their emotions... then again... what do I know!

BAM!!!

historyishere

on Sep 06, 2004

There are a lot of guys who dig the geeky girls(myself included)... they just love the geeky girls... and not as friends either!

Sometimes we are stupid about these things though. I mean, we might dig you, and we don't know that you dig us... you might be sending out the signals, and we think we see them, but we aren't sure... and we don't want to mess things up if we're not, because if we make overtures in that direction and we... we were in error... well, then that incident is likely to color the friendship as well.

I will admit that women probably do this too. I'm just sick on being on the receiving end of it.

Millions of guys who are "friend" with a girl who tells them all their problems and about what a dick their bf is being to them, and how they wish they could find a nice guy would agree.The friend zone sucks... its awful indeed.

Mav Phoenix

on Sep 06, 2004

You know, it goes two ways. I know girls who I'm friends with who always chase the guy who hurts them and ignore me--the friend who is always there to talk to. I think they like being hurt, otherwise there's no logic in their actions.

markjet77

on Sep 06, 2004

I agree with you CariElf. Sadly, I have to say that I have been the guy case of your situation. I don't consider myself a geek because I grew up in a society that did not have these "definitions." I am the classy nice guy, perfect guy with all the packaging. Exactly the guy girls are not looking for in college because getting serious is not part of the short term plan. I have just started shedding away this image and believe me - it's tough. I haven't turned into a jerk just because I would hate myself for it. I'm walking the fine line. And sadly, I think until you realize that you have to play a different card to attract more interest there's only a 1 in a million chance that others will like you for your friendship and still want to date you. I suggest you experiment by showing a different side of yourself once in a while and then decide what's best. A person that's nice enough to feel like a sister/brother can make others feel like it's "them"(you, me) that's not interested in dating.

Gideon MacLeish

on Sep 06, 2004

history is right....single guys miss a lot of signals.

As I have been married for almost ten years, I've come to "break the code", so to speak, and know many signals I didn't know in my single day. My wife would not want to know how many relationships I've reminisced over and kicked myself for because I missed some major signals there!

Theophilus Thistler

on Sep 06, 2004

Personally I love Geek Gurlz(tm) At least when I'm talking to them and I go off on some sort of nerdular tangent they at least know what I'm going on about

I also won't put up with girls treating guys like dirt and if I see that a relationship I'm in isn't doing me any good then whay waste time continuing it? Not to say that I'm afraid of commitment and putting in an effort where it's needed... I wouldn't mind at all to get married one day. I am looking for something in particular though so if some girl I meet has a few things i'm looking for, but not a lot, I tend to just want to stay friends. Being friends is an important thing in a relationship for me also.. This might all sound strange, but that's just me.

In response to you heading.. I wouldn't even want to be your friend if you treated me like dirt.

Be yourself and one day you'll find your perfect match. Just don't do the geek/nerd thing and stay inside on the computer all day and things should work out ok

kingbee

on Sep 06, 2004

My wife would not want to know how many relationships I've reminisced over and kicked myself for because I missed some major signals there!

youth is sooooo wasted on the young huh?

as gideon and history pointed out, lots of guys--even older married ones--dont pick up on stuff that may seem nearly visible to you. which also explains somewhat WHY they get involved with the kinda chix who take advantage of them. although you may not realize it now, the best lover is also a best friend and vice-versa. there is that lil problem about guys who think youre 'safe' but thatll sort itself out as the guys you know become a lil more sure of themselves. in the meantime, dont change (altho as an experiment, you might wanna see just how hard you gotta hit em over the head before they catch on )

Solitair

on Sep 06, 2004

Your comments about thinking of someone as a friend ecause then they won't loose them is right on the mark I think. Most of my female friends would never date a friend BECAUSE they were a friend. That friendship is far more improtant that some guy they're dating. I find it very strange, as I find that the very attributes that make someone such a close friends are the attributes you want in a long term partner.

But we never look for long term partners do we?

We only look for immediate hormone responses, and we're usually far too close to friends and care about them too much to look a them as sex items. Therefore no hormone overload. Therefore no asking friends out.

I should comment that I usually fall in love with my closest female friends and eventually after a few years build up the courage to ask them out. It's amazing how often they say yes and how well the relationships work!

Paul.

JillUser

on Sep 06, 2004

It is a catch 22. You want to marry your best friend because that is really what you need for a successful long term relationship. I agree with others who have previously said that you need to be bold. Many guys have been known to not have a clue when it comes to how someone feels about them. You only win big if you risk big. Falling in love with your best friend is the biggest win of them all.

Best wishes.

BTW, I was always the nerdy pal of all the guys I liked in jr and high schools. It sucks! You're right it starts making you question your femininity. Don't allow that to happen!

CariElf

on Sep 06, 2004

Thanks for all the support, everyone.

The point about him not getting my signals is a good one. I wouldn't know how to flirt if my life depended on it. I've mostly been trying to be a really good friend to him. I don't think he's caught me staring at his legs when he's wearing his fencing clothes.

I am going to have to tell him how I feel. Even if he still only wants to be friends, at least I can move on. I can live with being only his friend, if that's how it has to be, because my life is richer for knowing him. But the last couple of times I've decided to tell him, I panicked and couldn't force any words off my tounge. Well, they say that the third time is the charm.

historyishere

on Sep 06, 2004

Well, you could always watch a movie that leads to that... like Real Genius for example

. I mean, you could start talking about the movie, and then test the waters about a possible relationship between the two of you.

Solitair

on Sep 07, 2004

I know the feeling Cari.

I'm currently debating telling one of my closest friends how I feel about her and just can't build up the courage. I expect her to say no again (she did 2 years ago), but I still want to tell her just in case.

Paul.

stevendedalus

on Sep 07, 2004

There's no law, you know, against petting or having sex between philosophical discourse.

CariElf

on Sep 08, 2004

stevendedalus:

KarmaGirl

on Sep 09, 2004

The point about him not getting my signals is a good one. I wouldn't know how to flirt if my life depended on it.

I'll tell you a little story. While at that college, I met the man I am now married to. He wouldn't know if somebody was flirting with him if you hit him over the head with it. When we first started dating, I went to a bar with him and his friends and watched this waitress practically throw herself at her. He was oblivious. Me and one of his friends were laughing our asses off, and he had no clue what was going on. And, his friend said that this happened all the time, and he'd leave the bar saying "I wonder if anyone will ever be interested in me". To this day I still have no idea how he actually realized that I was interested in him. But, after dating him awhile, It was pretty clear why he didn't have any real girlfriends before me. He was simply clueless. On the flip side, I guess I don't have to worry about him flirting with other women!

Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. He may simply be clueless.

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!